I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
