You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
