you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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