saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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