you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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