You just made me feel so damn special
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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