he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
