Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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