you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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