So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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