Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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