I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
