if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
