I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize