i jhust puked up my retainher.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
