Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
