Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
