C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You dont lie about slip and slides
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
