i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
