need another drink. this is the easiest way
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
