My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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