i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize