My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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