fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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