Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
