My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
