Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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