so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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