I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
