dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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