smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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