I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
