So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
