I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
