your parents love me but you hate me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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