why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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