dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
