so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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