This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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