I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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