Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize