Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
