If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
