Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
