but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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