I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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