This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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