What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
