I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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