The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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