btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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