If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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