you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
