ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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