Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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