My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
