Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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