Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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