How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
