I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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