We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
