Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
